Mourning
I am not very good at staying current with my grief. I am very good at filing it away somewhere to be processed at a later date. This ability can be an asset when I am faced with a crisis and I have to function even though my heart is breaking, but it becomes a liability when I just file away my emotions because they are inconvenient or embarassing. They have a way of popping up again and again until I get the message and address the problem.
It has been brought to my attention that I may have been doing this is regards to Jimmy living so far away and maybe this is why I have been sick so much lately. Ummmm could be I suppose. . . Yeah, I know. So here goes.
This is not how I want it to be. I want to see Jimmy every week, see every milestone as he makes it, hear every new word he says, hold him and kiss him any time I want to. I want him to know who I am and that I am as important to his world, as he is to mine. I want his eyes to light up with recognition when he sees me. I want him to look for me when he needs comforting.
When I was starting my family, I wanted to live near my mother and mother-in-law so that my children would have a close relationship to them. This was something I never had with my grandparents. I had that for several years and I really enjoyed it. Now, it is how I want it to be with my grandchildren. I know in my heart that is not likely, as 2 of my children live away from us now and the others could move at any time, but it is still how I want it to be. So the current situation is connected to my Mother in some way, and I still miss her also.
Sometimes we mourn people and things we have lost through death or divorce or relocation, and sometimes we mourn the things we never really had at all. When my friends divorced there was the mourning for the loss of the marriage and family they had created, and then later there was mourning for the marriage and family they "thought" they would have but never really did. Sometimes it's the loss of our "pictures", (our ideas of how we want it to be) that is making us sad. So I am no longer filing away my sadness that my situation doesn't fit my picture. This is not how I want it to be and yet it is my current reality. It's ok to be sad about that. I am trying to learn. . .I am trying!
It has been brought to my attention that I may have been doing this is regards to Jimmy living so far away and maybe this is why I have been sick so much lately. Ummmm could be I suppose. . . Yeah, I know. So here goes.
This is not how I want it to be. I want to see Jimmy every week, see every milestone as he makes it, hear every new word he says, hold him and kiss him any time I want to. I want him to know who I am and that I am as important to his world, as he is to mine. I want his eyes to light up with recognition when he sees me. I want him to look for me when he needs comforting.
When I was starting my family, I wanted to live near my mother and mother-in-law so that my children would have a close relationship to them. This was something I never had with my grandparents. I had that for several years and I really enjoyed it. Now, it is how I want it to be with my grandchildren. I know in my heart that is not likely, as 2 of my children live away from us now and the others could move at any time, but it is still how I want it to be. So the current situation is connected to my Mother in some way, and I still miss her also.
Sometimes we mourn people and things we have lost through death or divorce or relocation, and sometimes we mourn the things we never really had at all. When my friends divorced there was the mourning for the loss of the marriage and family they had created, and then later there was mourning for the marriage and family they "thought" they would have but never really did. Sometimes it's the loss of our "pictures", (our ideas of how we want it to be) that is making us sad. So I am no longer filing away my sadness that my situation doesn't fit my picture. This is not how I want it to be and yet it is my current reality. It's ok to be sad about that. I am trying to learn. . .I am trying!
1 Comments:
At 7:31 PM,
Billy Guilfoyle said…
Hey there, I'm writing a book that is a collection of personal stories about unexplainable experiences, intuitions that have come true, dreams that have come true, near death experiences, out of body, and any other phenomenal experiences. Any people you think might be interested in writing down their experiences and emailing them to me, I would love to give them a gander and perhaps put them in for publication. My email is guilfoyle_billy@hotmail.com Please pass the word around. It is a great conversation starter too, because people love the opportunity to share these almost taboo events. Very cathartic. Thanks and have a great time in this never ending now,
Billy
PS. I'm only posting this comment in the blogs that came up under the What the Bleep Do We Know? search in profiles. That's how I found you.
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