I had a dream

My mother died in April of 2004. This week she was in my dream for the first time. Nothing exciting or deep, just me doing her hair, but I think it was significant that I was finally able to dream of her. In recent posts I talked about the shift I felt around our birthdays. I don't think the timing is a coincidence. I love when this stuff happens. :)

Another thing I believe

I believe certain energies run through families for generations. It is apparent with low energies, such as alcoholism or incest or neglect or abuse of any kind. I believe some people then come into these families to “pivot” that low energy into a higher energy. When an energy has been “pivoted” the new energy runs both forward and backward. It affects both those who came after the “pivot” and those who came before.

This is a story I tell myself:

When I was 7 years old my father committed suicide. He left four children, ranging in age from 19 to 7, fatherless.
When I was 19 my brother was killed in a car accident. He had two sons ages 7 and 3. I had to tell them their Daddy was dead. Twelve years later the 3 year old had a car accident. His best friend was killed. In December Travis had a bad car accident. He and his friend were both fine. I believe Travis somehow “pivoted” this energy of death that has run through my family for generations. I believe this, not with the logical left side of my brain, but with the intuitive side. The side you just "know" things with.

My Birthday

Today I am 57 years old. Happy Birthday to me! I fell goood nana nana nana nah, Like I knew that I would now nana nana nana nah! Just kidding, couldn't resist. I do feel wonderful. This is going to be a fine birthday in a tremendous year. I have an overwhelming feeling of impending GOOD! I like that. Everyone have a great day and a piece of birthday cake on me. :)

More Mothers and Daughters

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. She would have been 92, but she left her body in April of 2004. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. Mom's, Feb. 10, mine, Feb. 13, and my sister's Feb. 16. I think this is pretty tight karma. Anyway it has always been "our" birthdays. Last year sister and I were together in San Antonio. This is the first year in a long, long time that it will be just "my" birthday. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, but I know how I feel about Mom's day. I was a bit sad earlier in the week and then I felt a very real shift about mid week. It is okay, really okay, now. There has been some powerful shifts taking place in the last few months and I will try to write about it at another time, but I feel this shift was part of the larger shift currently taking place in my life. AND IT'S ALL GOOD. So yesterday morning, I woke up and smiled and said "Happy Birthday Mama". Life is soooo good, AND. . . SHIFT HAPPENS!!!!

Mothers and Daughters

This is for Charlene, with love and thanks for all she did for my family!!

Sometimes mothers have to make really difficult decisions for their daugher's well being. These are two stories about those times. One is mine and one is a friend's (I will change the name because it's not my story).

When Tiffanie had Jimmy I had to leave her after just 2 weeks. This was soooooo hard. Going 1300 miles away from my baby and her baby broke my heart. I still cry when I remember her breaking into tears as we woke her to say goodbye and then standing in the door, holding her newborn son and waving goodbye. (tears are flowing now) But I knew it was what we had to do. Shaun needed the space that we vacated to step into and become the amazing husband and father that he is. This new family needed the time to bond and grow deeper.

The other story is about my friend "Zena". I met Zena in El Paso. She was married to "Thor" who was a bit older than her and she had 2 kids from her previous marriage. She had gotten pregnant at about 15 and married the boy. He went into the army and they had another baby 2 years later. Then he fell in love with her best friend!! She figured it out and the whole ugly scene I leave up to your imagination. Anyway, in the middle of this horrific scene, she called her mother and said she was coming home to stay, and her mother said "NO you can't come home." and hung up. Zena was in a state of shock! She called her mother back and said she had to come home, husband was kicking her out and she had no place else to go. Her mother relented and said "okay, you can come home, but you can only stay one month. At the end of that time you must have a place of your own". Zena was about 19 or 20 with 2 babies and she had a place of her own in 3 weeks. As she was telling me this many years later, she said she knew it was the hardest thing her mother ever had to do, but it was the BEST thing her mother had ever done for her. If she had gone home to mama with those two babies, her mother would have ended up raising her two children and she herself would have never grown up. It wasn't easy and she did not have an easy time of it. She was on welfare and lots of hard times ensued, BUT she was still grateful to her mother for making that most difficult decision.

It's not easy being a mother, and those difficult decisions you have to make really do break your heart, but when you know it's the right thing for your child you just have to do it. And, Charlene, it is the right thing. Hang in there, I know it's hard.